I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
