I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize