uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
