so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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