is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
