My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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