you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
