I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
