Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hippo gnu deer
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize