peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
