i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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