my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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