the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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