White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
