If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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