He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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