someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
