oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
