Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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