I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
