There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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