if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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