every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
