if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
