some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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