did you get engaged???
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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