one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
