I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
