Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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