You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
