The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i out mim tonsoeep
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