You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
and you fell through a lawn chair
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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