If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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