Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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