people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
