Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
