i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
