there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
