this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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