Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
