They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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