I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize