Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
