Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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