Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
