It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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