What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
