things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
