Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
