phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
