I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
