I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
