I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize