I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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