I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
