I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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