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• (301): View more from Maryland

  I'm sorry my penis didn't work

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• (818): View more from California

  Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...

  (714): View more from California

  Didn't you just get a DUI last week?

  (818): View more from California

  Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it

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• (903): View more from Texas

  Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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• (971): View more from Oregon

  So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.

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• (850): View more from Florida

  Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.

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• (620): View more from Kansas

  In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?

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• (289): View more from Ontario

  God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  So, Cheetos don't microwave great.

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• (604): View more from British Columbia

  My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah

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