tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
