I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize