As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
