Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
