Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
