he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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