i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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