people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize