i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
