The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
