Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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