Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
