well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize