He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
