Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
