I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize