you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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